The Olympic Winter Games began, as they always do, with the Parade of Nations — many of which we have yet to invade. By parading like that in those loud outfits, however, they just seem to be asking for it.
VP Mike Pence went, with his wife of course, as there are only Asian massage parlors there. With tensions high between North and South Korea, I was afraid these were going to be the Nuclear Winter Olympics. Yet I knew we would not attack North Korea before these Games. I bet when we leave after the Olympics, North Koreans will have to pay their dry cleaning bills up front.
Men generally only watch the Winter Games if a woman forces them to. If you catch a man voluntarily watching the Winter Olympics, he is just one Oprah Show or Lifetime Channel movie away from getting himself a cat.
The Winter Games seem unnecessary. No doubt many of you love the Games, and I respect that, but I’m not a fan. They seem more like a rich white family’s winter ski vacation in Aspen rather than real sports.
Instead of every four years, I suggest holding the Winter Games every ten, which would be just often enough to remind people why we only hold them once every ten years. Better yet, cancel them entirely and see if anyone notices. I bet even Dick Button wouldn't care.
The Winter Games are like soccer and recycling: Americans act like they are into them, but we really aren’t. If not for NBC’s maudlin biographies of obscure athletes and all they have "overcome" (backed by the theme from Chariots of Fire), few of us would watch. Any event like curling that risks America being beaten by Iceland should be eliminated – or at least not broadcast to the free world.
Apparently, some elitist Northeasterners decided we needed Winter Olympics so they could get their "fair share" of this pillow fight among unimportant Nordic countries. Maybe if the Winter Games had consequences, they might interest me. For example, if Sweden loses to the U.S., we get to award the Nobel Prize. If Sweden beats us, they can have Al Gore and Barack Obama.
The bobsled event, which I think was invented by Robert Sled, is also not really a sport. It is more like a winter activity. How can it be a sport when only white guys do it? Is it really a big deal when a guy gets on a sled, points his toes, and lets gravity take over? I am sure there is more to it, but no reasonable person I know wants to take the time to find out.
At least the Summer Games have some underpinnings of real athleticism. Running, jumping, boxing and basketball all seem like worthwhile international competitions, and, therefore, we field our best athletes. I am going to encourage Harvey Weinstein to enter the broad jumping event next time.
The Olympics date back to ancient Greece, but only in Summer Games form. The Greeks realized they could humiliate the loser of a contest much longer if they did not throw him to the lions, but just gave him a bronze medal instead. The ancient Olympic Games were performed in the nude, with a 50-50 chance that one of the contestants would die if he lost. NBC’s ratings were high back then.
Russia had to sit out the games for doping. Many liberals were horribly disappointed that they could not tie the scandal to Trump. But here's the shocker: If you cannot trust a totalitarian communist regime headed by the former head of the KGB, whom can you trust? Most Russian athletes are banned from the 2018 Olympics, but they should be able to play in the 2020 U.S. elections.
Monday night I caught snowboarding and freestyle skiing. These are the two events where athletes should be tested to make sure they are doing drugs.
These Games are not without other controversies. Olympic decathlon champion and American hero Caitlyn Jenner had to drop out as an announcer when NBC discovered she had been repeatedly touched inappropriately five years ago by Bruce Jenner. All I know is that if another Olympic hero like Caitlyn Jenner emerges, those will be some tough high heels to fill.
Los Angeles will host the Olympics in 2028, so those planning on going had best get on the 405 Freeway in the next couple of days to make it in time.
Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author. Contact him at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.
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This article originally appeared on Crestview News Bulletin: The Winter Olympics: Make Them Stop!