If you like spectacular performances followed by tearful apologies, the Olympics are for you.
Historically I have not been a big fan of the Summer Olympics — the one with synchronized swimming, badminton and archery.
The Olympic Games combine two things that I never particularly liked: Phys Ed class and foreigners; however, I do like a good whodunit crime story, so the 12-time Olympic swimming medalist Ryan Lochte story was captivating.
In short, Lochte and three swim teammates took drunk after their medal-winning performance, tore a poster off a gas station bathroom wall, got a gun pointed at them and, depending on how you view it, either were robbed, shaken down or made to pay $400 by a guy who purportedly worked for the gas station — the same guy who pointed the gun at them.
Not exactly due process, but swift justice.
Meanwhile, President Barack Obama was watching the Olympics from vacation — he decided not to watch Louisiana’s rowing events in person.
The real problem came for the swimmers, as it always does, when they gave differing versions of the story.
These were the regular manly-men swimmers, aggrandizing a story to make themselves look good.
On the bright side, Lochte gave so many self-serving versions of the story that he was offered a job as Clinton press spokesman. He just swam in the foul rancid waters of Rio, so he should be prepared to be around Clinton staffers.
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The Olympics’ opening ceremonies are a parade of countries in tacky warm-up suits. Iran and Russia’s outfits were the most atrociously ugly; again proving the price a country pays for having no gays.
As expected, Michael Phelps was the American hero in these games. He represented us Americans well by eating a pound of pasta after one win.
Polls indicate that other countries hate America most because of such gluttony (Ryan Seacrest and Bob Costas came in second and third on the list), so Phelps eating a pound of pasta really didn’t help — and it does nothing to dispel those pot smoking rumors either.
Then there was the troubling men’s synchronized diving, which is like spooning in the air. Experts say to pay attention to who wins this, because it’s the best indicator of who will win the most Tony Awards in the spring.
I did like the women’s beach volleyball. I can’t put my finger on it, but I found that compelling.
Men’s water polo, somehow, does not have the same appeal; I’d suggest putting a shark in the pool, and then you’d maybe have something.
The Olympics is a test of which country had the best pharmacists and geneticists. This year they got the testing right, and caught Russia, which depleted its nation’s strategic reserve of clean urine.
They even had tests for testosterone levels to make sure some of the women were not actually men.
Kids don’t remember, but a man who surgically became a woman, Dr. Renee Richards, was a pioneer in this area.
Her tennis career was cut short when she could not pass the Olympic chromosome test.
She was a pioneering hero.
Ron Hart, a libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, is a frequent guest on CNN. Contact him at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.
This article originally appeared on Crestview News Bulletin: HART: U.S. Olympians swim upstream